Mom Gone Wild

I may have traded in my obsession for buying books for our children's library to something completely different. Girl's clothing. To be exact clothing sized 3 -6 months. I literally can't stop myself. I went to the Galleria today with four kids just to pick up some tights and ended up with four more outfits. I just bought three outfits the other day. Then Stacy picked up something for me Saturday and bought four more herself. Then there was the shopping spree my dad went on two weeks ago.

I actually thought to myself, I hope Chelsea has a baby girl because I have all this clothing she can use. What??? Of every female in my life, why I decided Chelsea at 20 years old was the one who needed these adorable hand me downs is beyond me. So, no Chelsea, just wait and I'll get you all new stuff. I promise.

To prove to myself that I'm not a clothes hound, I added three books to my Amazon cart. I need to go through my list before I order and make sure I don't need anything else before Lent starts. That could be a disaster as well as an argument since Lance doesn't like when I order books before big liturgical seasons. It doesn't seem to work out for our checking account.

Two Months

My sweet angel...you are two months today. You are perfect. You Smile! You are a mom's girl. I am sure that will change soon enough, so for now I will relish every minute. You have the heart of every male in this family. The boys are always asking "why you are so beautiful". Dad and I just claim that we make beautiful babies. They all want to hold you or feed you and basically get in your face every second of the day. It's hard to hold them back because I love their excitement, but at the same time, I do like when you actually sleep! My only request would be a full night's sleep or some real time in your bassinet. But really, I can't complain because we are so grateful for you. You complete our family and not because you are a girl. I can't explain it, but you are the perfect fit for us, like we had been waiting for you all along. I love you dearly, little girl.

For Aunt Stacy

Essentially the same picture, but I had to put both because you can see the little hat better in the second one, but my mom liked the first picture better. Stacy has bought tons of stuff for Baby Z, this being the first outfit for her. We've been dying to see her in it, and now it fits perfectly. Within a weeks time Baby Z has grown so much. She is filling out and looking more human and girlish than alien and old man.

She is even starting to smile at me!

The Difference

And because I wouldn't be me if I didn't just get this off my tongue...but I am over everyone asking if I notice the difference between boys and girls. The answer is yes: she cries ALL. THE. TIME.

Everyone who has both boys and girls kept talking about how much easier a girl would be than my boys. So far, I'm just not feeling that. I have a daughter who refuses to sleep in her bassinet and won't go more than four minutes without crying if you aren't holding her. Where is the sweetness? My mom reminded me that No David cried quite a bit, but this girl has him beat by a long shot. I feel bad because there are times that I just can't hold her or sling her, and she literally cries nonstop. Then you hold her, and she immediately stops.

There has been one difference: she doesn't spit up like the others. That's a positive.

Longhorns and Tutus, Could It Get Better?!

To Baby Z

Today I caught you staring at me. Just looking so intently at my face as if you were trying to figure me out. I couldn't stop staring right back at you. I want so much not to forget any second of your sweet life. I know how it goes...I will forget lots of the details I so desperately want to hang onto because we will make new memories, you and I together. But I know I will remember how your face looked today. I wanted to capture it for everyone to see, but alas, it is only a picture imprinted on my heart. I love you, my sweet little girl. Mom

PS: you are 4 weeks old tomorrow! I still can't believe you are here.

Sinking

Three weeks in, and I'm finally tired. And cranky. The crankiness is made worse by people, meaning family members, asking what's wrong. My first impulse is to scream, "what the eff do you think is wrong?" Do I need to remind you know that I just had a kid, and that school started and I'm getting up for the day at 6, showering, pumping, feeding a baby who screams pretty much all the time, plus getting kids ready to school, plus coming home and teaching the Baby Hulk. Without any help at all. Side note: I hate when people assume that my 15 year old is a great help. Yes, he is a great kid, amazing kid, but helper he is not. At all.

So yes, I'm a bit cranky and sorry that the great mood I've been in since birth seems to be ending. I honestly can't wait to return to the gym. That hour of alone time working out will do wonders. I hate to sound ungrateful because I am thrilled with our new baby, but I so wish she would sleep in her crib. I have never wanted to co-sleep, and yet five kids down the line, here I am just so that I get some sleep. I don't know how people do it. Both Lance and I were commenting that while we are sleeping a bit, we have yet to really fall asleep because we worry about rolling onto her.

And I know this phase will soon come to an end, and I'll be lamenting the end of it, feeling sad that I won't have an infant in my arms, but for today, I'm tired, have no interest in pumping, listening to boys fight, No David fuss nonstop. I do feel slightly bad, I normally relish in motherhood, but for today I'm tired. And I think that is understandable. If not, there is always Xanax.

And Then There Were Five

Quite honestly, I didn't think we'd make it to five. On March 17, 2010, when we should have been celebrating St. Patrick's Day, we were having another miscarriage. Our fifth. And I was done. Over it. I was over having babies in heaven. I could see no grace in it any longer. Lance, who has always been more emotional than me, was done after finally seeing me show some emotion. Then as we were getting ready to leave for Chicago for Brian's graduation, we wondered if we were pregnant again. Just in case, I didn't take my usual Xanax and when we came home we found out that we were indeed pregnant. I wondered how Lance would take the news, but I shouldn't have worried. He was happier than I could have imagined.
This pregnancy has gone by so fast. It was uneventful, until we had that one ultrasound saying we were having a girl. One ultrasound was all they gave us. I didn't buy anything for fear it was wrong, but when I didn't have my usual fast food cravings, I knew it must be right. And on Friday at 12:37 pm, we saw her beautiful face.

This pregnancy has been so blessedly uneventful. It didn't seem like I was pregnant very long. And now we have this sweet little girl in our midst. The boys are all so excited. Even Goose who shows even less emotion than me was so overwhelmed to have a baby sister. He was the first one to see her because the Baby Hulk stepped aside and allowed his big brother to go in first despite me wanting it the other way around. I won't forget the love in Goose's eyes or how he crawled into bed with me because he was worried about me. The wonder of No David at this new baby. And biggest brother Squirt not wanting anyone else to hold his sister just like with No David. And sweet Baby Hulk was in love. He can't get enough of his sister. He really is my sweetest boy.

And my two special girls were there too. Both so excited and posting pics on FB to celebrate this special day. (Just think, one day I'll be visiting them in the hospital!) I would have been excited regardless of anyone else, but to see the love in my recovery room, just a bit over the two person limit, was overwhelming!

Then came my parents, my friend Stacy and brother. All within two hours of this little angel's life. Once we moved to the room, Lance's family came to see the newest Zierlein. Lastly, Cindy and Terese who always come as soon as possible were there. Today, I called a friend who hadn't responded to my text message on Friday because she never received it. She started crying at the news. I love the emotion a baby can bring out in people. This little girl has everyone's attention and she is less than two days old. It is so sweet to see my in-laws for the first time with a newborn and to see my parents go ga-ga again over a baby.

I know just how the Baby Hulk feels. I don't want to let this little baby out of my arms. We are so grateful to have her in our life. She really is our Christmas gift. And every time the boys bring up the damn tree, I'm going to point at her!

Hello Five?

So...I'm having a baby in about twelve hours. And I'm still up. I actually waited to eat until now so I'm not starving all morning. We'll see if this plan works for me. If not, I will daydream about Miller's Cafe for dinner tomorrow during the section. Thank God I have a doctor who allows me to eat the same day of surgery.

I've been manic all day long. I guess a bit nervous about tomorrow. It's not like we haven't done this before now. And really, c-sections are nothing for me. I know anything could happen, but I'm counting on another smooth recovery. Do I really have any other choice? It's the week before Christmas, and I have four other kids who need me home.

I've been thinking about leaving four and moving onto five. Lance came home from the station today freaking out. Are we really prepared for five kids? It seems like we have a full plate now, how will this one affect our family harmony or lack thereof at times? Will our children remain happy with another one in the house? It's not like we can do anything now, but I understand his stress. We just show it in different ways. He wants to spend time together, I want to clean the entire house that I just cleaned on Saturday. (Although really, it is almost time to clean again.)

I can't really answer if we're ready. But I can answer that this child will come into a house full of love. Two parents who truly love each other and their kids with their entire being. I trust that God gave me the best man to share in this awesome responsibility. I trust that while we make mistakes, we learn from them and do better each day. I am glad that Lance isn't content with the way things are for our family. He constantly wants us to strive to be better. With God's grace, I know we can be the best parents for our kids, including number five. I am so thankful for this pregnancy and the excitement of tomorrow. I have loved being pregnant and feeling this little child grow inside me. It's a feeling I never want to forget, yet I know I will because things just get better once she arrives. I can't wait to see the Baby Hulk tomorrow. Both he and Squirt are so excited about this baby. Both sets of grandparents will be here tomorrow, a first for us! And we have two special girls making an appearance tomorrow. This baby is already so blessed with the abundance of love surrounding her.

We'll post pictures tomorrow, assuming I can figure out how to use my NEW MAC LAPTOP. Thanks Daddy! (Oh God...is this how my daughter is going to be???) Prayers welcome.