Patron?

While browsing some blogs today, I came across a Saint Name Generator. You go to the site, click a button and BAM...you have a saint picked out for you. Thinking it would be fun and possibly provide me with someone new to learn about, I clicked it.

Saint Eugene de Mazoned where have you been my whole life?

Now

Several blogs I follow have talked about embracing a word for the year rather than making resolutions. While I still have a few things I'd like to do such as watch more movies with Lance or finally move beyond episode 2 of Breaking Bad, I like the idea of embracing one word for the year. Hopefully, it will help me to become a better mother, wife, and all around person.

NOW: this is my word for the year. I have a one month old and already, I am freaking out, thinking of her getting bigger. When I think of getting rid of this damn pump in a year, (assuming I last that long!) I'm so freaking excited until I realize that means my baby, my sweet little angel, will be a year too. And let's be real, there are very slim chances of another baby.

And I am fine with that, but at the same time, I have to admit I love this state of life. I don't love getting up at night, but it's a small sacrifice to pay to hold a baby. I love the sweet baby cry that infants make. And I love when they get a bit older. I love the fact that my babies want me all the time, I love when they first give a real kiss, I love trying to decipher what they say, truly, I love it all. I don't mind not going out so much and I'm lucky that when I do need that weekend getaway, my mom takes the kids without complaint.

And so I look to the future with dread knowing that this is probably it as far as first times. I'm packing away No David's clothes and giving them to a friend. Trying not to buy too much for Baby Z so as not to be wasteful. Instead of just living in the Now and appreciating this amazing family I have, I worry about the future and not having what I have at this exact moment. I have always been this way, but I promise not to waste any more time on the future. I will live for today and appreciate all that I have today.

Bye To The Pity Party?

One of the things on my list this week was to receive the sacrament of Confession. I hate to say it like this, but I guess I can check that one off. Last night, Lance and I went to Confession together. There were twelve different priests to choose from, both face to face or behind the screen. We got there super late, which actually worked in our favor because I only had a few people in front of me. Lance and I don't go to the same priest because I normally go face to face and he goes behind the screen. He always wonders what the heck I say during confession because I seem to take a long time. Last night was no exception.

Here is what I got from the priest last night. And yes, I know that by talking about it or rather him, I already need to get my butt back to confession again, but then, I am always in need of confession. So...I confessed my sins, one of my larger ones being my anger towards God right now. I know it's not right, but it doesn't change my feelings. I am HUMAN, and I feel the need to relish in my failings right now despite knowing I shouldn't think this way. After I was done, the priest began to give counsel, something I was very happy about because often you can leave confession wanting something more from the priest. He told me "things could be much worse, I should hear what he hears in his office." And my favorite, say "good-bye to the pity party." Honestly, I could have gotten that advice from my brother. In fact, now that he knows a priest has told me that he probably feels he has free reign to do so anytime I complain.

I understand to some degree what the priest was saying, but I am not a huge fan of the "things could be worse" line from anyone. I know that, but the fact that something could be worse has never once made me feel better. Not when I was kid hearing about starving children in Africa or now as an adult when people say things like "at least you weren't further along". I get it, life can suck sometimes.

So where am I? Back to Confession again before next week. I was telling a friend that I am sticking with the same priest from now on during Confession, and she agreed that was probably the best thing to do.

I did get something good from last night though. (Actually, my full unloading was very good for me!) I was confessing my not too pretty tongue with regard to my language and gossip. He told me what a shame it would be if that kept me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven one day. I think I did a better job today than yesterday. Now that is something to be happy about!